On the Roller Coaster again....

And feeling really disappointed in myself.  Where has my motivation gone??? Why is it some weeks I find it easy to eat healthy and stick to a proper portion and then weeks like this I am having two times the proper serving size of foods and going back two or three times.  It is very frustrating going forward two steps and back one.  I do not want to spin my wheels and stay stuck in this rut.

WHY I WANT to get to my goal of losing 80lbs 

1. I want to lose this weight to be the best me I can be.
2. I want to lose this weight to be healthy.  
3. I want to lose this weight so I can RUN and RUN without the excess weight weighing me down.
4. I want to lose this weight so I can play basketball again in a competitive way.
5. I want to lose this weight to feel more confident so the outer me reflects the inner me.
6. I want to lose this weight to look better and I don't mean that in a vain way. I want to be free of being puffy and bloated looking.  I would like to look healthy and fit.
7. I want to lose this weight to feel comfortable in my own skin, not self conscious of how much my stomach is sticking out and how my butt looks or how big I look next to my husband.
8. I want to lose this weight to be able to buy normal attractive clothing and not always have to be pulling down my undershirt (that I always have to wear) to cover my tummy.  Or yanking up on my jeans. I want to stop the constant fidgeting with my clothes because I refuse to buy the next size up.
9. I want to lose this weight to get a handle on how to eat healthfully and work out sensibly so I am not always obsessing over this topic.  Yes, I know this is managed not cured and it is a lifelong challenge.  But I want to get to my goal. I WILL get to my goal.
10. I want to lose this weight because I don't want to be still agonizing over this the same time next year.
11. I want to get to this weight loss goal because I deserve it and I want to prove it to myself I can do it.

Losing focus is so easy I need to remember WHY I am doing this and WHY it is important to stick with it especially in tough times when it is so easy to say "Oh sure, I'll have MORE what's one more helping going to matter?".  It does matter, it matters a lot - this is crunch time.  There is no more Mondays or tomorrows to "start again".  It's now.  It does matter to me for all of the above reasons and probably even some more that I can't process.  

So my goal now in terms of eating is to eat the proper portions I need to eat of healthy whole foods I need to eat to get to my goal.  Not to have seconds.  Not to say "It doesn't matter what I eat." But rather say "I am important enough to make healthy food choices for my body, I do matter and I can do it."  There is my own pep talk to keep me from being in denial.

On a positive note.  I did do my workout today.  I swam 30 laps in the pool.

And I bought two new pairs of shoes because the last pair was too bulky for me.  

This pair is for outside.

And this pair is for inside the gym.

Feeling better to actually sit down and take the time to figure out some of my whys so hopefully this will help.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Have a great night everyone.